I remember my very worst date like if it were yesterday; scratch that- two minutes ago. It was 24 December 2003. Christmas Eve. I remember the intense preparations- it was the year Topshop released the 8 inch skirt and back in the day when I had absolutely no hips I thought that I could just about get away with it with thick tights. I bought a brand new white sweater with bell sleeves in Peckham. And cowboy boots. I know, but give me a break. I was 20.
I knew I should have done a runner when my “date” explained that he had come all the way from Salford by hiding in the train toilets. I kid you not. I politely sat it out. I was asked where I wanted to eat and when I politely suggested that I would prefer if he decided, I was taken to the UK’s finest dining establishment- Burger King in Trafalgar Square (on reflection, at least it was the West End, I could have been taken to Elephant & Castle). As I moved to order a No 7 off the menu (chicken nuggets and fries), I was not so gingerly told by this paradigm of virtue that it would be best to confine my choice to either a Number 1 or a Number 2 (the Whopper or the Fish Sandwich) because those were the only two options that were available on the BOGOF deal on our NUS card. Needless to say, this “gentleman” never saw me again. I am proud to say that I have never again encountered such a creature who serves as the ultimate example of tight fisted parsimoniousness. Although it has been close shave. When still a student, and again, before I gained sense, I offered to pay on a date someone who had a full time job. That offer was taken up with a greater alacrity than Usain Bolt with Tyson Gay sprinting behind him. No second date either I have to add.
These two experiences, and particularly the first, have scarred my outlook on my life. It has led me to the firm conclusion that if a man isn’t willing to provide a treat for me on at least the first few dates, at the first opportunity he has to impress me, chances are he won’t try to do it for the duration of any relationship that we may have. So he gets a big fat 0 and I spare myself the agony.
My hypothesis is that the Modern Man has lost all concept of the fact that a date is a treat and that dating is a ritual. The Modern Man seems to have the deluded idea that all women are gold-diggers who are after their money and leap on opportunities to go out on a date just to have a free meal- never mind that they have no money to speak of in the first place, never mind they still live with their mothers in a flat in East London and travel to work in their George by Asda suits on the 58 bus, never mind that if you were really “gold-digging” you wouldn’t give their tired and broke asses the time of day and would focus on where the real ballers are -Chelsea, Kensington & Mayfair, never mind you have food in your own fridge at home and would happily curl up with Grazia in front of Eastenders. So instead of thinking themselves lucky, as they should, that you decided to give their trifling selves the time of day, they wait, with bated breath at the end of the meal for you to say “Let’s split it”. They argue, it’s only polite, you should at least offer. Fact is, I do, but the speed with which these degenerates leap at the offer, you would think that the chance to save 10 measly squid at Nando’s meant hitting the jackpot. I do offer, but it is part of my psychometric testing. You say yes, or you hesitate over saying no, and it’s over before it has even started.
Why? Because I shouldn’t. I won’t because if you asked me on a date, you are saying to me that you would like to have the pleasure of my company. I shouldn’t because let’s get it straight, I don’t need a guy to take me to a restaurant, but the fact that you are doing so allows you to be a gentleman. I shouldn’t because you asked me out, and I have probably spent hundreds on a new dress/skirt/top trying to impress you, so why shouldn’t you try to impress me? Why should I rob you of this very essence of the dating ritual? Why should I offer to emasculate you? Any man should wish to feel strong, necessary and capable.
Thinking about it, isn’t there something very unseemly about calculating who ordered the steak and who ordered the fish after the peaceful ambience of a romantic meal? Even if a woman decides to go halves, doesn’t it ruin the essence of the dating ritual of man cast in his first role as provider? Truth is, we can all afford that meal ourselves, so proudly and confidently taking up the tab is still a symbolic way to say that that you value our time and our company. There is something to be said for being independent women- we pay our own bills, we pay our own mortgage, we drive our own cars, isn’t it just one step too far in the wrong direction to expect us to offer to pay for our own dates as well? Its not about the price, it is about the gesture. And yes, if you genuinely cannot afford it, offer to cook us a meal, make a picnic, be innovative- that goes a long way.
Just like refusing to give up their seats to pregnant women on the bus, or to any women in general, the Modern London man loves to justify his tightness by reference to the suffragette movement and equal rights, claiming that we wanted to go 50s on all in life. No we don’t, because that’s just not how it is. You still get to have sex. We push out the babies. You go food shopping and come back with half of what’s on the list. We have to do it again. We have periods, pre-menstrual cramps, bloating- you don’t. And you still, on average, earn more money than we do for the same jobs. We still take your names. Most men I know who split the bill are serial daters, they cannot afford not to go halfsies when they had to foot the bill the last few times.
I am not saying that once a relationship is established, that a woman should never pay. In fact the late Jackie Kennedy said she would never pay until she established a man as a serious prospect. My argument is that by then, it isn’t really a date. It’s going out with your other half –it’s your partner, you are a team. I am not saying also, that I would never offer to take a guy somewhere. In fact, I often do, after the second date. I would suggest somewhere nice and I would take care of the bill, if he has shown me that he is charming, friendly, and funny- and if he had on previous occasions unwaveringly picked up the bill. Goodbye cheapskates.
Most men I know who split the bill may not always be serial daters and can afford to split the bill...perhaps even can afford the bill of a few more diners. I think that it is not just a matter of whether they can afford it. It is as you've so concisely pointed out - the case of the 'Modern Man.' The Modern Man will not under any circumstances put his budding bank account in danger of loss of an additional $20 or so if modern society deems the working independent woman financially adept at paying for dinner, or a movie an too, a cab. The notion of 'courting' is lost on the modern man as his philosophy is success driven - sans responsibility of wife, child, mortgage and those other pesky emotional burdens that come with it. Its a matter of making a choice much like investing in stock which sees him making choices with low risks. Its the idea that being a man is no longer about supporting house, home, wife and child but making choices which sees his financial status soar beyond that of his father and his father's father. Its about wearing overpriced pants, burning overpriced fuel in overpriced cars and paying for overpriced food in over-rated restaurants all to ensure than he is indeed attractive to the female who will undoubtedly show him his worth in extra-ordinary sexual favours. The modern man is responsible to only himself and thus any female interested in sharing his space should be willing to abide by the "modern-social" rules in the modern man's rule book. She should be without ambition, integrity and morals and should be willing to put up with having to pay her half of the bill despite how inexpensive it may be - why shouldn't she? the modern man is allowing her the opportunity to experience his majestic presence and she should be overjoyed and honoured to be given a chance.
ReplyDeleteI think these days dates and casual hangouts easily get mixed up. If an impromtu setting occurs and where persons who know each other decide to eat/see movie whatever together there are occasions where splitting the bill might be appropriate even if it becomes the start of a new relationship. On the other hand as you said if it is specifically set up as a date, yes I think it is only decent that he pays. As one comment on you facebook page said though, it can work the other way as well if you take the guy out.
ReplyDeleteI think also understanding each other's situation is also important. Don't eat or go where your wallet cannot handle. Yes at around 30 you expect that most are established enough to be able to handle a date, but there is no point in trying to do something outside your means. This can often lead to needing the bill split, and some guys rather than truly be men about their situation try to impress at any cost and find themselves stuck. Off course some are just low balls and try to hide behind that modern women excuse.
I agree with Anonymous...London is an expensive place and even dates in the most ordinary of restaurants can inadvertently rack up eye-popping bills to catch all but the suavest daters off-guard.
ReplyDeleteMy view (I'm a girl) is that whether or not I want to the man to pay depends on the situation. If he has done the asking, and he has selected the venue, then I agree 100% with Akima that he should pay - he's supposed to be trying to charm you! Splitting the bill would be like giving someone a birthday present then asking them to pay for half of it. Similarly, if he's been too indecisive about choosing a venue and asked you to pick, and it turns out your fall-back choice is a bit pricier than he imagined - tough luck mister. You should have had the gumption to choose somewhere you could afford in the first place, not rely on me to do your work for you. However, it's a bit different if you have been very pushy at choosing the venue, and when it comes to the crunch he can't afford your choice. Only fair to split it then methinks.
The dates I have been on with bill-splitters fall into two categories: the Serial Diner, a cousin to the Serial Dater that Akima describes, and the Hopeless Lad. Both have more in common than you might expect. Serial daters enjoy eating in flash restaurants with their privileged friends, and pick similar, expensive places to take you as they're too snobbish to consider anything less. But when the bill comes they're shocked - it costs a lot more to pay for two of these meals than to pay for one. Even though they insisted on the restaurant (which you would never have chosen, being too pricey), they force you to pay for your half, too hamstrung by snobbery to realise they would have made a much better impression paying for all at a cheaper venue. The Hopeless Lad simply has very limited experience of spending money that's not on beer or the occasional new shirt. He'll be generous buying rounds in the pub, but simply has no idea how much the average two-course meal (plus wine) costs. Great is his shock, then, to discover that such a meal could set him back fifty quid or more.
Ultimately, whatever his financial position, a man's approach to the date (either in financial terms or level of effort gone to in other ways) demonstrates the investment is willing to put into you as a potential mate.
@safs, at the beginning I was like wow! Then I got to the end and I was wanting to shake your big toe!
ReplyDelete@anon, yes there is a difference between a casual hangout and a date but as Beyonce says IF I WERE A BOY... lol. If I were a boy and there was a girl I liked and we went casually to the movies, I would insist on paying. That's just me, I know but if he doesn't at least offer it is still a bad sign! Cosign on going where one can afford. A home cooked meal also always goes down a treat (if you can resist his advances).
@Cat. You managed to work it out! Yay! I fully agree with your birthday present analogy. I was trying to explain it to a group of guys but they lost the idea of a date being a treat or a gift. I guess they just see it as the precursor the main course. I am cracking up at your two types. I dont do Hopeless Lads anymore- so that one is out but Serial Diner is also super annoying, surely he should know the prices and not suggest it if he cannot afford to pay for 2!
Within this matrix of the modern "man", there must lie room for the modern "gentleman." A man letting a woman pay half is not a gentleman, and it really says a lot about his personality. If its a date, the person who suggests the date should always pay. Any real gentleman who has met a lady who may frequent establishments which he cant afford would be smart enough to put some effort into finding an establishment, equally romantic, and within his means.
ReplyDeleteHis paying for dinner and holding the door open etc are lost traditions, that tell you what you have/havent found.
P.S. I really enjoy reading your writings, keep it up.