If Barack did it..

There is a story rumbling in the underground of the media, in the backstreet alleys of blogs and the underbelly of the National Enquirer, but not daring to be picked up in the straight and narrow information superhighway of the legitimate press- that Barack Obama had a mistress, sometime in the year 1994, that this mistress was a woman called Vera Baker, and that they had a mysterious liaison in a D.C. hotel.


We, the Obamavenglists are reeling at this blasphemy. We are up in arms, ready to stone the rabble rowsing crowds. Our black messiah, who fulfilled prophecy, brought medical care to the sick, hope to the marginalised poor, overturned the tables of the lobbyists in Washington's temples, who performed the greatest miracle of the twenty first century - getting America to vote for a black man with a Muslim name, is accused of having committed the heinous act of betraying First Lady, Michelle, Full of Grace.

At first, I would have dismissed it just because it was the National Enquirer, but after that tabloid successfully busted John Edwards and Tiger Woods, I had to stand up and pay attention. I have investigated this story and I have dismissed it, first for the simple reason that a man who cheats never hits it just once. Illicit sex is addictive. I also dismissed it on a logical basis: the Enquirer has no evidence beyond a limo driver allegedly driving Ms Baker to his hotel, which could be explained for any one of a number of reasons. They also claim their source as one of their sister online publications and then removed a statement on their website alluding to video evidence. The conspiracy theorists think that this was due to pressure by the Obama Media Mafia but I think it is as simple as the threat of libel. The Republicans are rubbing their hands together with glee, allegedly offering a million dollar payout to anyone who would provide evidence. Suckers.

When I first caught wind of this story, I must admit that I felt sorely disappointed and personally let down. Then I caught hold of myself. Why I should feel this way was beyond me. It was a difficult affliction to diagnose. Did I place this man on too high a pedestal? After all, behind all the hoopla, President Barack Obama is a man. And my opinion of men when it comes to ass and tail is not very high. Is it because I feel that an affront to Ms Obama is an affront to the sisterhood? Is it the extension of the Lone Black Man syndrome- where no wrong can be done and no mistakes can be made because one is not there for one's self, one is representing an entire race? Is it because I felt that he had witnessed and should have learnt from the foibles of the ones who went before? And no, I do not feel comforted that "at least" he allegedly cheated with a black, Afro-wearing woman called Vera. In my Caribbean context, any woman called Vera is usually trouble.

The conspiracy theorists suggest that this is why Vera is working in Martinique; they posit that she is there at the bequest of the Chicago political machine or under commands by an angry Michelle. It certainly seems odd that a woman who made her career in Washington by raising millions for Barack is not there to share in the spoils and now chooses to be away from her  most valuable contact and protege at this most opportune time. This led me ask myself, what would change, in my opinion, if Barack did go there. If Barack did it, does that make him any less compassionate about healthcare for the general populace? If he did it, does that make him any less of a statesman? Does it make him any less genuine in his aspirations for a more egalitarian America and for a fairer world? Does that impact on his ability to broker deals between Israel and Palestine? Does it affect the way America goes to war? No, No, No, No and No.

Does it make him any less of a father? I am not sure, cheating on your wife and your children's mother is not a very good example for your girls. Does that make him less of a husband? Yes, in my opinion, but he is not my husband. In my books, if a man can lie to someone he made a promise to in a church, he probably could lie about a lot of things. But there is always clemency and absolution. Does that make him less of a role model? Yes and No. It depends on how he deals with it, if proven true. Does he own up to a mistake just as he owned up honestly and squarely to smoking weed and dabbling in cocaine in his book? Or does he do a Bill Clinton and claim that getting head is not sex and that you can try weed without inhaling it? Role models are often imperfect and even though he is Obama, I think we all know, deep down, that he is not Jesus Christ. If this affair is true, did he confront his feelings with his wife, and choose to move on, knowing that marriages only survive in this barren faithless climate with forgiveness and hard work? Or did he continue to indulge in the affair, believing (like Alicia and Swiss) that attraction can conquer marital vows?

The American press is notorious in using private acts to judge persons in the public domain. I cringed when Tiger Woods had to apologise to the nation, and when Nike used the voice of his father to publicly chastise him. I thought that it was unfair, but I did not feel sorry for him. These celebrities and politicians have sold their stories and their lives for us to hunker over and aspire to on the covers of Vogue and People and in adverts that feature trinkets that we could never afford, so this is the price that they pay. Even King Barack.

On a purely physical selfish level, if Obama went there, it gives me licence to go there too. He started it. When? How? How often? Did he like cuddles after? And before? Was he smooth in his seduction or a modern day lothario? Did he preface his lovemaking with a grand old speech and the glint we saw in his eyes? Was he strong and passionate and resilient? Or was he soft and sensitive? I could imagine him saying "Change has come to your life girl" in the same way he proclaimed "Change has come to America". I would dance with his goofy ass just as he danced on Ellen and we would listen to some Jill Scott and Jay Z. Me and Barack breakfasting on the lawns of the Elysees Palace after an overnight stay in the Burj Khalifa in Dubai, then whisked away on Air Force One. I would make John Legend tea. I would coo appropriately over pictures of Sasha and Malia and maintain a cordial relationship with ex-wife Michelle, because girlfriend, this is a man worth catering to.

What was this piece about again?