ConDem Nation

Con Dem Nation, on its face, seems easy and affable enough. A coalition led by two nearly identikit leaders, posh boys from the Home Counties, youthful faces not yet lined with worry, smartly turned out in blue suits, both gently mannered and privately schooled, ambling down the garden path of Number 10. These two men, raised by two upper middle class parents and who both read the two easiest subjects at Oxbridge secretly reserved for those who are not that clever, appeared sufficiently comfortable in each other’s company to even joke about the precariousness of the alliance- “I’m off!” Clegg joked, “Wait, please don’t go” Cameron gagged. It was unbelievable that only two days earlier, Clegg accused this man of having a very “unbearable sense of entitlement to govern”. Cameron, when asked what was a good joke he had heard recently, responded “Clegg”. Clegg and Cameron now seem as thick as thieves, the Ant and Dec of British politics, to the extent that it almost seems like a strange game of Spot the Difference: Clegg’s suit is just a tad less blue and a smidgen more worn, and his tie is a sickly shade of yellow.

I am amazed that some Liberal Democrats are surprised that this deal has been negotiated. In the later stage of the elections, this is exactly what Clegg said he was going to do- it was when he said he would not speak with Gordon Brown that I took hold of my senses- I literally saw Red. But for the many who voted Lib Dem to keep the Tories out, it must be a bitter pill to swallow because in my opinion, the veneer of affability masks the true nature of the “co-operation” between the parties, a blue tinged unequal exchange that appears to have eroded the very concept of liberal democracy to a fleeting shadow of itself. Have the Liberal Democrats truly been Con-ned?

According to the Coalition Negotiation Agreement, the Lib Dems appear to have managed to hold on to their promise of an increase in the personal allowance for income tax, focussing on those with lower and middle class incomes. This, however, has been agreed on the basis of the Conservatives' National Insurance increases. Surely boys, they must have taught you at Eton that 1-1=0. So ultimately, we are right back to where we started. The Conservatives have also stuck to their foxhunting guns over cutting Inheritance Tax for high earners and transferable tax allowances for married persons. The Horse and Hound pack must be preparing to buy new horseboxes with the windfall.

Only three lines in the agreement are dedicated to immigration, the biggest issue of the campaign. It either shows that their respective views were some measure of pre-election posturing or how far away Clegg and Cam really stand on the issue. Nick has chosen to sacrifice his strongest selling point of an amnesty for illegal immigrants who had lived peaceably in Britain for a number of years. Cameron preferred to have them undocumented, in the UK illegally, not paying taxes and working less than the minimum wage in breach of the Working Time Directive for unscrupulous employers, and so we now have it. There will now be an annual limit on non EU migrants admitted to the UK to live and work. I wonder if I should have packed my bags already. A brilliant Facebook group sprung up just after the coalition was announced: Cameron is the next UK Prime Minister, Last One to Leave the UK, Turn off the Lights.

Young Nick also seems to have capitulated to the euroscepticism of the Tories. Sure, joining the euro does not seem a brilliant idea right now, but should Britain’s decision on whether it should join the single economic currency be based on the capriciousness of how badly or how well sterling is doing against the euro at the moment?

The only major coup for the Liberal Democrats is political reform – they have half succeeded with their plans to put the alternative vote to the people, as it has been agreed that a referendum will be called on alternative representation. I am not sure, however, that the idea of the alternative vote has the backing of the electorate. Most of us do not really care about it in the same way that we care about other issues like the economy, the NHS and immigration. Elections only happen once every five years, we live every day with MRSA in hospitals, extensive waiting lists, a non functioning welfare state, chronic unemployment and trains which do not run on time. This therefore means that the only thing Clegg managed to get out of the agreement (in addition to air passenger tax per plane and smaller class sizes) seems doomed to fail before it starts.

It also appears strange that a Democratic arm and a Conservative Party (who are proudest of Britain’s unwritten constitution and mores) would be the ones to fetter democracy and the prerogative of the Prime Minister- apparently elections will only be allowed to be called every 5 years and a reinforced majority will be needed to overturn this rigor mortised decision.

I must admit that I am unrepresented in this male, middle class, white Con Dem Nation- there are only a few things I can fully back- no third runway at Heathrow for instance. After Clegg’s sell-out I feel that no one really speaks for me.I feel betrayed. This is not the progressive movement we felt came with Clegg’s fresh enthusiasm. Overall, I am left with the feeling that Con Dem Nation seems less like a quickie marriage and more like a drunken affair, the kind that never lasts beyond the initial almost amnesiac fumbling sex after one too many G&Ts. This is a typical friends with benefits arrangement. One party fucks the other, and after a while, the other ends up feeling cheap, dirty and used, skulking back home in yesterday’s gladrags.

(Image from telegraph.co.uk- all rights reserved).

Britain is Blue

Blue is a colour, the perception of which is evoked by light having a spectrum dominated by energy with a wavelength of roughly 440–490 nm. It is considered one of the additive primary colours. There are 54 recognised shades of blue but it is uncanny that in the English language, blue often represents the human emotion of sadness. Today, the morning after the one night stand off that were the General Elections, Britain appears to be heading towards a blue state.

Will it be Eton blue, an odd mix between Oxford blue and Cambridge blue? A society that tacitly valorises class, privilege and elite education for a select few? A Big Society that is hemmed in between the boundaries of West Hampstead and Chelsea? Where parents and civil society will build and own their own academies and where teaching will become a profession reserved to only the elite? I wonder who will build the academies and schools for the families in Peckham and Camberwell where parents are disenfranchised and unable to provide the first building blocks for themselves or for their families. Very often, there are no parents at all, but this is unfathomable to the azure thought process of David Cameron.

It might be the cornflower blue of the blue-blooded privileged. An annual cap on non EU migrants every year will ensure that Britain does not turn black or Asian and that it is not flocked by immigrants from Africa, India and the Caribbean. Likewise, the English language test to be taken by anyone who wishes to marry a British citizen will ensure the survival of pure English stock and to assure, as my neighbour put it to me this morning, that there won’t be the case of “no English people in Britain any more”. It could also be the cooing baby blue of the married baby boomers, who would be spending their 150 quid extra on decaf double caramel extra hot skinny lattes as they herd Maclarens across parks and into Starbies. Or it might even be the harsh steel blue of cuts in public spending and more job losses.

It will certainly be a blue period for the most vulnerable in our society because Cameron’s Big Society is small enough to leave them outside it. The homeless, the disabled, single parent families, the unemployed, pensioners and children whose parents cannot afford good schools do not have a certain, steady place within it. If we believe David, schools will be open to private initiatives and prisons would be privatised. The media will be totally deregulated. Solid British institutions like the BBC will be under threat as commercial channels will also be subsidised. We will see the advent of a British Fox news. We will enter a new period of private sector contracting for essential services and significant welfare cuts will be made under the guise of protecting Britain against incapacity cheats and benefit scroungers. Due to pressure from the Conservative bourgeoisie, social housing in affluent areas will disappear(a la Boris Johnson style) leading to mass ghettoisation. Inner city estates will see unparalleled neglect. Hospitals will be run as foundation trusts with budgets allocated by results- riskier, potentially unprofitable procedures will be abandoned.

The last time the Conservatives were in power, there were over four million unemployed and the NHS was on its knees. The rail infrastructure was in shambles. The Conservatives record on how they vote in Parliament also reveals a lot about its current priorities. Despite their alleged commitment to building a stronger economy, they voted against the Business Payment Support Service for small businesses and against the Strategic Investment Fund to protect Britain’s strength in industry. Despite their lip allegiance to families, they voted against increased paternity leave and more flexible maternity leave. They also voted against a House of Lords Bill that removed the right for hereditary peers to sit in the House of Lords. Newspaper articles from late 1995 show that the Conservatives removed government grants for at risk schools, that the NHS faced a funding crisis and that the police were facing massive cuts. Spending on education was cut. Teenagers were opting out of Further Education. The wages council which set minimum wages was scrapped. People in Yorkshire were being paid poverty wages. Government housing spending was slashed. Labour had to spend so much quite frankly, because the Tories spent too little.

All this I thought as I passed by the Catford town centre today, towards the train station, when I noticed a  sign that I had not previously noticed before. It was a glaucous blue sign reciting “Catford Conservative Club”. Souped up and scrubbed up, it was hedged in between a Turkish kebab joint and a Afro hair supply store but still managed to look dated and out of place. It is for this reason that I believe that the Tories’ courting of the Liberal Democrats will not ultimately, make Britain any more fair, egalitarian or compassionate. The Lib Dem-Tory coalition is a fragile one and is a worthless empty oxymoron as there is no such thing as a Progressive Conservative or a Liberal Conservative. There is a wide chasm of difference between the founding ideological principles of both parties. I am a democracy whore and believe that where the people have not spoken loudly enough or strongly enough, we need to ask the question again. Sweetener deals and agreements in closed rooms do not a mandate make and the governing of a nation cannot be founded upon a discussion between two public schoolboys in their royal blue ties.