Prime Minister, Prime Minister... wherefore art thou Prime Minister?

The UK General Elections is in exactly 5 weeks, and to be perfectly honest the entire nation is probably more interested (judging from the Daily Mail) in whether Katie Price is going to fall pregnant to Alex Reid or whether Deity Beckham’s Achilles tendon will heal in time for the World Cup. This level of apathy is unparalleled. It is a sad state of affairs when the country that bequeathed its legacy of democracy to the United States and to the developing world seems to show less than zero interest in electing a leader. People just don’t give a damn.

I kind of get it. It’s like when the builders come to your house and ask “Do you want that shade of grey, or that shade of grey?” Part of you wants to scream “I don’t give a shit. It’s all grey. Just paint the f**ing walls!"”
In Grenada, for example, politics is deeply personal. “Haul yuh stink and corrupt NNP ass”, “Yuh deceitful NDCite- Coardite!” (Coardite being negative because it denotes the betrayal of the Grenadian Christ- Maurice Bishop).  Maybe it’s because we were liberated by the  1979 Grenada Revolution after our parents experienced the dictator years of Eric Matthew Gairy and  as a consequence we now hold democracy to our bosom. Again, when I visited Ghana, I found politics associative, tribal and instinctive- I witnessed an impromptu Fanti rally and it was so heartening to see young men and women with drums, up in arms, red t-shirts, stamping their pride and ownership on a political party.

Here, there is no excitement, no anticipation, precisely because there is nothing to get excited about. I personally am more excited about payday.The elections are like the English weather- drab, grey and boring. The English accept their lot in life stoically and I have learnt that you just accept that the choice is between Brown, Cameron and Clegg. No primaries and secondaries. No fuss. No rallies, defining speeches and mass television coverage. No speculation on what potential First Wives are wearing. We just get on with it. We do not challenge why there is no firebrand, no fresh and vibrant faces, no change. In fact, "Change is coming to the UK" just sounds wrong. Its a bad word. Change is the antithesis of good- English people don't even like switching their teabags (oh no you must get Twinings, not PG Tips!) and Sainsburys is still lagging behind Tesco with their tagline of "Try Something New Today".

To be honest there is probably nothing wrong with Gordon Brown. Except that he seems is really boring. Not the type of guy I would like to go for a beer with down the pub, were I the pub type ( I am a bar typa girl, no smelly pubs for me).  He seems like the kind who would split the bill based on what he drank ( I owe you exactly 3 pounds, 85 pence)- a mean grumpy tightwad. I don’t know why I think he is tight- I just do. He looks tight. In fact, Gordon and Sarah Brown are like those aunts that you don’t really like because they get you a really sensible jumper at M&S instead of cash. Too safe, too familiar, too ordinary. A Prime Minister needs to be just that. Prime. Like rare filet mignon, a touch of the extraordinary, a certain flair and charm and charisma and can't-put-your-finger-on-it zinginess! Electing a Prime Minister is a bit like electing Ms England, he needs to be able to own the World Stage. I can see Sarkozy owning it, I can see Obama owning it, I can even see Zuma owning it but to be honest I can’t see Brown owning anything except some mittens. He is meant to be the face of Britain and to be honest the face of Britain looks staid, dour, grey and dowdy. It needs a facelift and not one that Sarah Brown in her Erdem dresses can do on her own.

As for David Cameron, I don’t like him either. Too glib and easy to please. He seems too perfect- he says can cook proper food (pork belly and lamb), he uses Itunes, he watches romcoms with his wife and he likes Disney. It doesn't seem true- are there really men out there like that?  And besides, he’s a Tory. Out of the question. I just can't get past the Toryism. I must admit that his interviews are all very interesting but interesting interviews do not a Prime Minister make. I find him all style over substance, not liberal enough (married families tax credit just takes the biscuit!) and to be honest,  yes, too privileged. I like the idea of a Prime Minister coming from the working class just because we have enough privileged people at the helm of Britain. He also does not have that Obamesque fire in his belly. I must admit I am not keen on Samantha Cameron either. She is too skinny. I don’t trust skinny women. Everytime I see her I think of that quote in Julius Caesar "Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look. He thinks too much.. such men are dangerous". Today I found out she's expecting, and while I am truly pleased for them (they lost a child recently) I can't help think "oh great" as I suppose now he gets the Malia-Sasha factor. (Edited to add: Okay I admit I warmed up to her a little bit more when I found out that she is the creative director of Smythson and they have the coolest handbags in pastel!)

Nick Clegg from the Lib Dems is okay. A hybrid mutant between those of us stuck between the boring dichotomy. But do we want our next leader to be just okay?The Lib Dems are probably the party with which I feel the most affinity (in terms of my views). This is supposed to be the party for those of us who are fed up with a stale way of doing things but nothing about Nick screams fresh and vibrant to me-another Englishman in a grey suit. Surprise surprise. And they want me to pay more taxes, which as a liberal socialist I should be happy about but sod it, I ain't pleased. That's my Primani budget right there.

Where is our Al Gore, our Hillary Clinton? I pass on Sarah Palin. I also pass on Mr O as he is one of a kind. Just something, somebody, fresh and non establishment. Someone cool. Someone with bright ideas, who is articulate and who has that certain je ne sais quoi,  maybe a Londoner with an Estuary accent who talks the talk and walks the walk. Or maybe a woman? What happened to Blair's Babes? Did they get into a handbag fight with Cherie? Goddamit, isn't this the country of the Iron Lady! There should be some Iron Ladettes in training by now, surely! Or maybe, to hell with all the ballots and registration, since Simon Cowell has conquered America (something the forefathers failed to do in the Boston Tea Party) he should be handed the reins of the country. At least it would make interesting viewing.