Why I won't be buying Alicia Keys' New Album

Alicia Keys begins her artist description on Twitter with the tagline “Light bearing Artist”. Well, I want to know what light she was bearing (must have been candlelight) when she decided that she needed to sleep with (and steal) Mashonda Tifrere’s husband Kasseem Dean otherwise known as Swiss Beatz.

I usually do not get involved in internet rumours (let’s leave that to Mediatakeout and Bossip) and I usually remember my dear Tan Phillipa’s voice uttering while she squeezed her chaplet “all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God” but I felt particularly betrayed by Ms Keys (I take that back, Alicia, I am losing the Ms).

I remember being hooked on “Falling” as we all were- a canerowed, authentic down home New York chick, a husky contralto voice almost easily creeping over tuneful piano, no overworked lyrics, she told it as it was “Sometimes I feel good, sometimes I feel used, loving you darling makes me so confused”. She was a witness for the 2000's, a throwback to the days when music had soul and passion, sold to us as the real deal, very dissimilar to a market-driven, manufactured and synthesized Knowles production, she was the one we had been waiting for. When she sang Superwoman, I felt like she was singing it for me and my sisters and my mothers and my best friends and it was my anthem for a few weeks (much to the consternation of my then housemates). She reminded all the trifling-ass men of what we were capable of in A Woman’s Worth “she rolls the mile; makes you smile, all the while, being true don't take for granted the passions that she has for you”. She was Oprah’s chosen one and heiress, founding member of “Keep a Child Alive”, her voice strained, imperfect and raw at times, but ultimately real.

I should probably say to disclose my conflict of interest that I am not one of the many women who understand the fascination or the thrill of the chase with breaking up a family and ultimately with having someone else’s man. The old clichés are often trotted out “It was meant to be’. Not it wasn’t, if it was, he wouldn’t have been already married. “They fell in love’. You choose who you want to fall in love with and contrary to Disney movies, love isn’t fairy dust and magic sparkle- it’s a passionate choice. “The marriage was already broken- you can’t break something that’s already broken”. I have spoken to people who have been married for a very long time and they often say that their marriage breaks at least 20 times during its course.  Marriage is hard work. You feel like you want to quit. You quit sometimes and start again but ultimately, marriage vows are sacrosanct. Who is to say a broken marriage cannot be pieced back together. Who are you to stamp on it further?

Maybe I just don’t get it because I was an only child. I am used to having my own things. I don’t like to share. I like being able to go to dinner and not have to sit out of view in the back of the restaurant. I like making plans openly and to walk down the street with my man’s hand held in mine without fear or secrecy. I like spending lazy Sunday evenings on the sofa with my boo and not worrying whether I am eating into someone else’s family time. I am also of that wise old age when I know that men lie. A lot. So they will say when you meet them that they don’t have a girl, that they are on the verge of moving out, that they are still with the mother of their child but they don’t love her anymore, that they are only there for the sake of their children, that the marriage exists on paper only, that they have a really good relationship with their ex (which includes sleeping over for the sake of little Junior), that they can’t leave yet because it is a bad time to sell the house. Yawn. I have heard it so many times before and yes, we all fell for it when we were eighteen and stupid but to fall for it when you are twenty nine, one of the best selling artists in the whole world, who has seen firsthand the state of black families in America, who claims to be a light bearer, who tweets “love and light” back at her followers and who claims to write lyrics that empower women, is disappointing and not what I expected. I feel that Alicia Keys is falser than a falsetto. Surely, she must have known that the man she was falling in love with had a wife who had just had a baby. Real women investigate. Real women say choose and don’t get involved until the choice is made. Call me naïve, call me not wise in the ways of the world but there is no way I can choose “spark” over “smart” and the betrayal I feel is that underneath the cheery smile, the strong lyrics is my disappointment that Alicia Keys is just a really dumb broad.

I judge her harshly because I think she deserves to be judged. Karma is a bitch. She has just announced her engagement and I wish her all the best (no I don’t) but there is no way this bastardly love child album is making it onto my Ipod. So she and her dude can keep their elements of freedom, freedom is also the ability to make sound and good choices.

Right now, I would pay to be Ms Tifrere because I would be getting paid. According to New York Alimony laws some of the factors to be taken into account in awarding alimony include the income and property of the respective parties, the future and earning capacities of both parties, the presence of children in each home, the ability of the party seeking alimony to be self supporting, the contributions of that party to being a homemaker, and the standard of living of the parties established during the marriage. Mashonda’s album was a commercial flop- she has not made a hit in years. Were I her, I would factor in that the likelihood of my obtaining a hit record was more than likely to be zero, and that the combined earning power of KeysBeatz to be in the region of $50 million a year. I would also factor in that I need a home to take care of his child. Were I Ms Tifrere, I would become a Real Housewife of New York and would request at least $1 million a month to keep myself in the manner that a spurned wife should be expected to.

Then I would hit him on child support. New York Guidelines say 17% of your gross income for each child (plus childcare, medical and educational expenses) but because his income is over $80,000 the total amount would be likely to be almost 30% of gross pay because child support is based on what the parents would have contributed if the parents still lived together. So no, you naysayers, a child does not need a $70,000 nursery but if Daddy would have bought it if he still lived at home, little Tanashaka will get it. And rightly so, why should he be balling and his children life on the regular?

And then I would move to North Carolina or another state that recognises the tort of alienation of affection, try to obtain jurisdiction and sue Alicia Keys for intentionally and maliciously interfering with a marriage. Cynthia Shackelford just successfully sued her husband’s mistress for $9 million. Now that’s a woman’s worth.

This article forms part of my Weekend Entertainment Focus